great Top 10

Top Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent

We know people mean well but some adoptive parents may not appreciate the following:

10. Oh look, she has your husband’s eyes (or smile or whatever)…
No, she really doesn’t. I know that is something you often say when encountering a baby but we are completely aware of the fact that she does not share our DNA. Just tell us she is beautiful - we will happily agree even if we can’t take credit for that.

9. How much did she cost?
Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.

8. Did you meet her real mother?
I am her real mother. I am going to raise her, sit with her when she is sick, cry with her over her first heart break, and pay for college. Her birth mother (or first mother, or biological mother - whatever phrase you prefer) is someone we honor and are thankful to every day for the joy she has given us, but we are her real parents once she is home.

7. I just know you’ll love her like your own.
See above. She is our own daughter and we will love her more than you can know. (Also, our biological children and our adopted daughter are all our REAL children)

.6. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant 3 months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting so it's better not to mention this to couples adopting their first child.

5. Is she yours?
Nope, she’s on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking her for a test drive to see if we want to keep her.

4. Did you get lots of medical tests done on her? I hear most of those countries only let Americans adopt the really sick babies.
Oh no! We forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! She’s our daughter and if any medical issues arise we will deal with them the same as you would your children.

3. I bet she's smart. I hear "they" have a real gift for academics...
I think she is, but then I'm her mother. (smile here) I don't think, though, that we can make sweeping assumptions about any group, do you?

2. Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
Lady, if she doesn’t figure it out herself at some point, we have bigger problems than her understanding that she is adopted. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of her life story and she will know from day one that she is incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.

1. Does she speak English? (asked when you're holding a baby)...
Only in private. In public, they speak "baby." [smile here]


Believe it or not, I've gotten almost all of these at some point in the past 18 months!! I'd add one of my own, though...the #1 question I get ALL THE TIME:

Why are you adopting? I thought that was for people who couldn't have children?
Yes, adoption is certainly an option for those who cannot have their own biological children. However, we believe that adoption is not Plan B for creating a family. It's not something just for people who cannot have children, and for those, adoption is not Plan B for them either. We are allowing the Lord to build our family, however He chooses. There is no way we could love Ashley any differently than our other children. They are all gifts from the Lord. Adoption is NOT second best.